I've been gone for a while, but I'm still dieting. I can tell a difference in my legs mostly. So it's going okay and I feel great. BUT, there is one big problem! I keep dating all of the wrong men and I don't know why I keep getting losers. I was in a serious relationship for 5 years and then it ended cold turkey. I didn't even see it coming. I was so hurt and devastated, it felt like I was dealing with a death. And in my family we do not show emotions or break down. So I had to hide all of that pain behind closed doors.

I went through this phase of just focusing on me and school, which was cool, but now I am ready for love again. It has almost been a year and I want that close comfortable relationship back. I miss sleeping with a man, not sex, just sleeping. I don't see how people have one night stands. It is so beautiful to make love with someone that you love.

I think the most painful thing in the entire world someone can experience, is a broken heart. And what is worst of all about it, is that it can only be fixed by time. Any other pain you have a doctor can relieve or cure, but he cannot aid your broken heart. You can take antidepressants or get a therapist, but this will only help for a little while. So you wait, you wait on time to pass and for your mind to forget. It's like being in rehab for a heroine addiction, only this is a love addiction. Some days are good and you barely think of him and the radio stations never play your songs, life is good and you're doing just fine without him. Then the next day you smell his cologne in the wind, every station is playing your songs, and you see cars exactly like his everywhere you go. You begin to think of petty reasons to call him. "I still have some of his clothes! SO I will call him and tell him this, and he will come over and get them, and then maybe he will say sorry....and....." and then you think of how long it has been. You think about the things you've heard from other people saying that they saw him and he is doing well with a new woman or his new whatever and you envy how well his life is going without you in it. How can he be dating? Who moves on that quickly?! He should be sad and at home missing me and thinking of ways to get me back! And once you realize all of this, you put the phone down or the bottle (if you're like me) and you make a promise to yourself. If he is living good without me then I will live great without him. And when you're a woman, with a broken a heart, the promise you usually make requires a disappearance. You leave town or hide out for a little while. You lose weight, get tan, dye and cut your hair, buy a sexy dress, and roll back into town on a Friday night looking good as hell. You act like you're just passing through and stop at all the busy spots where you are sure to get noticed. An like always someone he knows is going to see you. This person will then report back of the new you to your ex and then he shows up to see this for himself.

You smile at him, and want to ask "How is your slut doing?", but instead you're a lady, so you ask general questions about his job and family. You act like the break up was the best thing for the two of you and leave him him with his mouth open questioning himself and blown away by what you have become without him. After I complete this final step to my love addiction recovery, I feel amazing. I wake up the next morning even more determined to finish school or get a promotion at work. It just gives me the boost I need. Anyways I have the sudden urge to go tan or do a little elliptical. I hope everyone is doing okay and dieting well! <3<3<3<3<3<3

I went to my very first strip club last night called The Players Club. All of my friends were like this is the best strip club, you're going to love it! When we got there it was dead. There was this one old white man dressed like Mr. Rogers smoking a pipe, and the other hand full of people were black. I thought nothing of it, but by the time we left about 100 black people were there and still that old white man, I began to feel bad for him until a stripper sat down in his lap. The drinks were horrible and the strippers were even worse. They had more cellulite in their ass than I do, they were texting while dancing, and they wore horrible gold chaps with red cowboy hats. They really were not even dancing, it looked more like the back and forward pace you do in line at Sam's or Costco, but in six inch clear platforms. So yeah it sucked!

My breakfast date this morning went well. He tried too hard though, I hate when men do this. Everything I said he agreed with or liked in some form. I began to notice this so I was like "When I get out of the shower, I rub myself down with baby oil, put a mask on my hair, and check my email naked while I wait for the baby oil to dry." He looked shocked and then said " Me too!". So I'm thinking either he is gay or he really wants to sleep with me. I could really care less because he has a large nose. As a women, when you meet a man you always look at their features and then think what a child would look like from this man. I am a nose woman, if a man has a large nose I don't try to impress him because I know we have no future. I have a large nose, so if I have children with a man who also has a large nose then I will give birth to Alfie or Bette Midler......

And last, but not least, that diet! Diet is good. Special K for breakfast, protein shakes for lunch and Healthy Choice soups for dinner. I still do Tabo and I hike sometimes. I have not weighed myself yet due to not having a scale. But that is good. If a scale shows a decline in weight I have orbited to the moon! Good luck getting me back. If it says I have gained weight or lost nothing at all, I will feel like my work has been for nothing and head out on the next train to Baskin Robbins lickin my chops at the 31 flavors. So no scale is good right now. I hope everyone is doing well and dieting. <3<3<3